I was Alice,
falling down the rabbit hole.
Down, down, down I go,
Nowhere to be found.
My blackened lungs,
rotting inside spread bile and disease.
No one dare goes near me,
Locusts and black cats only venture the unknown.
The rabbit hole has swallowed me hole,
I’m not coming back.
I never let a man touch me,
until my loneliness overwhelmed my body.
From then on,
Each kiss, each touch, each linger consumed my being.
False happiness gave me hope.
Once or twice wasn’t enough,
The more I got, the more I needed.
Day or night, inside or outside.
In a park, alleyway, toilet, in the backseat of a car.
There were no limits,
no barriers to this need of mine.
It had slowly grown into a tumor,
While my heart still remained empty as it was before.
Those strangers weren’t my friends,
Their affections were temporary,
and their was no way to convince myself otherwise.
Skin to skin, I don’t dare move.
Your caress fills me like warm honey,
And I feel beautiful in that moment.
I lay naked,
bearing my soul for only you to see.
Each cut and bruise visible,
I’m not a beauty.
My skins is full of cracks,
I am pale faced and solemn.
But I give it all to you,
If you’d take me.
My entrails are yours,
Take my heart if you wish.
I only ask that you savour it.
I’ve got that pounding headache again,
when the world could cave in at any moment but I wouldn’t care because in death loud noises & busy crowds don’t exist.
4 days of weeping and sleeping, I’m emotionally exhausted.
I’m so small I can only take so much, feel so much.
The only silence I get is from you and your sharpened tongue.
It cuts deeper than a razor against my pretty pale skin.
So here it goes again,
I’ll cut my tender heart in two for you, I have no need for it myself.
I have this darkness within me,
filed with black bile.
void of purity,
complete with sin,
The outside may look pure,
but the inside is fucked and dirty.
You can’t wash it off,
a bottle of vodka
and a pack of cigarettes will help,
but again I’m mistaken.
Only you can cleanse me,
If you can’t fix me.
No one can,
I’ll stay shattered like broken glass.
I’ve got a headache,
It penetrates my thoughts.
Dissociation becomes me,
I am the roots of the trees,
The wind in the air.
I’m not entirely here,
though I’m not entirely anywhere else.
I’m far away,
Not too be reached.
I might as well fly away into the atmosphere,
Become the stars and the sky.
Choking on my cigarettes,
I want to be the ash that burns my throat.
The wind calls my name,
But I ignore it.
That wind that whispers my name is dangerous,
It wants my self destruction; My end.
I can’t go,
Nothing but lonely men with lonely hearts,
secret desires who can’t be trusted alone.
Lost girls with blood on their ankles,
Bruises where tenderness used to lay.
Russian vodka shot by shot,
Wandering down dark highways.
It’s only a matter of time,
Before I follow that wind.
This wasn’t like any other kiss,
It wasn’t hard or violent or based purely on lust.
That’s how a kiss should be.
It doesn’t fade fast like the others,
It will stay in your heart, beneath your soul.
It’s not about sex,
We’re all needy and small.
Feeling safe in each others arms,
You came into my life without warning.
And now I don’t know how to feel since last night,
I’m scared of being loved, of being rejected.
If only I could stop these strong currents of emotion,
Maybe things would be easier.
No broken hearts.
But hearts like mine are meant to be broke.